When I think of the “sound of the genuine” I recall a time of deep spiritual exploration after the death of my mother many years ago. I was 26 years-old when she passed away, at the age of 47, following a very long battle with cancer. I was raised a Christian of several denominations. Sometimes we were Baptist, sometimes Assembly of God, and many times in between.
I never felt that I fully belonged with any of these churches and I began to explore more fully what I did believe. It was as if the stakes were higher at this point in my life-I had to know if there was an afterlife. I had to know if I would be with my mother again. This was a belief that I had taken for granted to be true until then.
I spent long nights, I remember about 11 months of those nights, in tears until the wee hours of the morning. Being as young as I was, I hardly had the skills or resources to cope. At times, I wondered how I would physically survive this kind of pain and loss. During those long sleepless nights, all I could do was cry out to God for help and to reflect. I was completely alone with God during those nights of silence as my husband and infant daughter slept. I had never been so alone with God and with myself before.
I reflected on my past and my future. Trying hard not to get too caught up in the thought of the rest of my life without my mother and, at that time, I still had a lot of life left to live. I also considered my values. Things like love, helping others, and perseverance because I had no other choice but to keep moving forward and to push through to the end of this. I begged God for time to pass because I knew there was no way around the grief and my only choice was to walk through it and that would take a lot of time.
I was a junior in college at the University of Central Oklahoma. My mother had passed away February 28th, 2020 and this was November of that same year. I was walking on campus and I suddenly felt warmth on my shoulders. It was the first time in eleven months I noticed the sun. It was as if I had finally awoken from a deep sleep. I had a renewed awareness of myself and who I was. I was someone who loved others deeply, who was willing to help and to walk with others through their own pain and trials. Although I was still deeply hurting, I knew I could not give up and that I would persevere through this. I finished my college education and became a counselor. This was the first time I heard the “sound of the genuine” within myself.
There are of course times that the voices of others have kept me from hearing the “sound of the genuine” within myself. This often occurs as a result of too much advice. Hearing that I should do it this way, or that way, or go another direction with a project. I often spin lots of plates. I have often felt that I just will not have enough time, in this life, to do everything that I want to do. At the age of 46, I am learning this to be true. Not getting too caught up in what I have not done, but more of just an awareness and acceptance that those things did not happen. That my life circumstances did not provide for those experiences and that this has to be okay.
In needing to be more selective of how I spend my time and effort, and in choosing on what to spend that time and effort, I can get sidetracked by what others want me to do. I try, as much as I can, to be open to the feedback from those who know me best. There are currently changes that I know need to happen in order to be true to my authentic self and I have feedback from two separate camps advising me to go in opposite directions. This is when I have to take a step back and pray and reflect on the gifts that God has given me, the authentic self that was given uniquely to me.